Monday, October 31, 2005

The things people say...
Today my car died, started off OK and got progressively worse.
Limped into the local garage where it died completely and refused to start.
After explaining in much detail what had happened, stressing the fact that it was longer capable of movement I was asked.
"you going to leave it with us then???"
As if I could take it anywhere else.

The 13 year old was on a flight to Italy with his sister, on their way to spend what turned out to be a week from hell with their father...... Totally peeved with the lack of video entertainment on board he plugged in his MP3, jacked up the volume so that half the plane could hear it, them leant over to his sister and conspiratorially whispered, at least he thought he was whispering, to her how cute he thought the air hostess' butt was......!!!!! The look on her face was amusing, the look on his, priceless.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Horrors of horrors. About this time of year, I recall starting my final school exams. English, Maths, Physical Science to name but a few.........the sad thing is that this was 30 years ago.
It seems that it could not possibly have been so long ago.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

As it is said, another day, another dollar. Today was spent in training which was interesting because I am already on training, so I guess it was training within training, or was it training over and above training.....or training on top of training or was it top up training.....whatever it was I feel totally derailed and about to get the flock out of here, chugg up to the courts and go let off some steam beating a squash ball to death!

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Yesterday was just one of those days.
Saw a bargain for some early Christmas shopping. Log on and buy it I thought.....but would the site let me in. Incorrect password....OK, we all get forgetful. "Forgotten your password, click here" Clicketyclick. " please answer the following security question" to validate your identity. OK, fair cop if their was a question to answer. Personally I find non existant questions rather difficult to answer. So I re-registered, works for me and if I end up re-registering everytime I forget a password and the question goes missing....it's their disc space not mine.
Gripes aside, now is the time to do Christmas shopping. Good pre-Christmas bargains.....just bought 1500 pieces of LEGO for the same price I bought a 1000 in last years Christmas rush.
Need to nsave a buck or two, the last few months of the year are bad news, September brings birthdays galore, October brings my sons birthday and December is Christmas, my wife's birthday and our wedding anniversary......bad bad planning on my part.....Ionce suggested to my wife that I just get her one BIG present in December instead of 3 little ones, she would prefer 3 big presents including one for the birthday she is not having any more......well I guess I can always wrap little presents in big boxes......

Monday, October 17, 2005

People over 35 should be dead.

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's,50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived.
Our cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paint.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, ... and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.(Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)
As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. NO CELL PHONES!!!!! Unthinkable!
We did not have Play stations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms.
We had friends! We went outside and found them.
We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents, and there were accidents. No one was to blame but us.
We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.
Sports teams had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. And that disappointment became a motivation, not an excuse.
Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. No way were test results adjusted for any reason.
Our actions were our own, and the consequences were expected.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Why can things never be simple, or am I just getting old?

So yesterday was the youngsters birthday. As per family tradition we went off to a favourite steak house for a meal and some present opening.
One of the presents was a Star wars DARTH VADER light sabre......the deluxe flashing noisy model.
Once the paper shredding box ripping part was over, it was time to get this to work.
Lets try the big red button....hey the colour changes, but the sabre remaned ominously silent.
Disappointment clouded the little face, instructions got read and a return to the retailer loomed on the horizon.
Excuse me sir, I heard. I looked up and there was the manager of the steak house. "Having a problem with your light sabre" he asked. "Yup, thing doesn't work." "I had the same problem, took it back and ranted and raved" he said. "The shop assistant took it and pressed it there" he said while pushing on a concealed switch and voila it worked.....
Maybe this new technology is beyond me.......

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Today, 13th October is Maggie Thatchers Birthday.
The cornerstone of the White House was laid on this day in 1792.
And on this day in 1943 Italy declared war on Germany.
Entertainer Paul Simon was born on this day in 1941 as was Marie Osmond in 1959

On this day in 1997 Thrust breaks the sound barrier
Less than three weeks after breaking the elusive 700mph land-speed barrier, British fighter pilot Andy Green set a new land-speed record in the Thrust SuperSonic vehicle, jet-powering through the sound barrier along a one-mile course in Nevada's Black Rock Desert. Coached by previous land-speed record-holder and Thrust team leader Richard Noble, Green roared across Black Rock Desert at 764.168mph, or 1.007 percent above the speed of the sound

All in all some interesting and important things have happened on this day over the years, but the most of important of them all was this day in 1999 when my wife gave birth to my son....who celebrates his 6th birthday today.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Lego Star Wars....
To prevent the clash of light sabres at home, with the advent of the youngster's birthday we had decided to get him his own PS 2 and his own version of LEGO Star Wars. Looking at all the available options and packages from leading outlets it seemed that this was going to be a complex issue to get the best value for money. Gets your PS 2 from us and get your first game half price......sounds good to me.
So off I go. Good day, I'll have a PS2 and a Lego star wars at half price please.
I'm sorry sir, but we do not have Lego Star Wars in stock....
OK then, I'll have a PS 2 and the Incredibles at half price then....
Sorry Sir, can't help you with that either...
Why not I ask pointing to the game on the shelf.....
We have NO PS2's in stock sir.......
And this from a major retail outlet........
I find a PS 2 and now go off in search of the Lego Star Wars Game......
First shop, sorry we do not stock that one.....
Next shop.... yes sir we have it, would you like a new or used copy. I'll take a new one, I say. 15 minutes later...I'm so sorry sir, I have the game but cannot find the box.........and we cannot sell it without the box...
Next shop.....this time I get clever...I find the box first. Clutching my prize I approach the till. That will be £29.99 she says...."For a GAME" oh well, banks money, not mine. I'll take it I say.
Thank you sir, I'll ring down and have them bring the disk up, we remove them from the boxes to prevent theft......
You know where this is going, don't you. After another 15 minute wait..... I'm sorry sir, we have looked high and low but cannot find the disk.....
Is there anything else we could interest you in.....Yes, A bloody refund.
Got home and ordered it on-line for £14.99
Moral of the story, don't bother with high street retailers, it is far more easier to buy on-line and often cheaper too.
I ran out of Coke (the canned variety) last night.......popped up to the local (in)convenience store, to cut a long story short, where can I order Coca Cola online.........

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

This was a duplicate that the system refuses to allow me to delete......The computor at home is called FRED which stands for F*&^ing ridiculous electronic device, and today is a good illustration of why.

Should I sue my parents…..
When I was young, my parents took me to live in a country far far away. I’m not saying I had a bad childhood, in fact it was pretty good. However it appears something was lacking. For all my sins I was born an Essex lad. Since my return to the UK, I keep on hearing the stories of the Essex girls, what they will and won’t do and from all accounts the latter amounts to very little. So it seems than in living abroad my formative years were devoid of all the delights the Essex girls had to offer….hence the question, have I missed out on an important part of my education, have I been deprived, …..should I sue?

Monday, October 10, 2005

You either love him or hate him....
GW Bush goes down to Louisiana to inspect the reconstruction operations.
Whilst standing on one of the levees, the bank crumbles and before his bodyguards can do anything he tumbles head first into the river.
Swept away in the torrent he thinks all is lost.
As he is carried downstream, he looks up to see two young soldiers of the National Guard on the bank. Seeing him being swept towards them, they throw in a rope and drag GW to safety.
On regaining his composure he thanks them profusely, but is intrigued by their facial expressions.
“Do you know who I am he asks”…..”Yes Sir” they both answer. He continued, “ I am grateful that you have saved my life. As a token of this gratitude you may name a reward of your choice.” The first lad was quick off the mark….”Sir,” he said, “ I would like a chunk of Texas real estate, with a few head of horses, a herd of cattle and a Ford Mustang.” “Done deal” says GW, “and how about you” he asked the second. “A full military funeral” was the reply. GW is stunned…”military funeral, why would you a young, fit and healthy American lad with his whole life ahead of him want a funeral, you are nowhere near being dead.”
The youth replied, “ I will be when my Dad finds out who I just pulled out of the river”!!!!!!!

Friday, October 07, 2005

Me and health…..
You need to get into shape…….I am in shape, it just happens to be round. Besides I reckon it would be better to die young, fat and happy as opposed to old skinny and miserable.
Sometime ago I got summonsed to the local GP for a routine check-up.
“You need to lose weight” said the nurse…..I was still fuming when I got home….next to her I look anorexic. My wife asked if I had made any comments on the matter…..would you argue with a nurse whose arms are thicker than your legs?….To quote my youngest “I don’t think so.”
But I have heeded the warning…I have taken up exercise, gone on diet….and even lost inches, not where I need to around the middle but in stupid places like arms and legs.
Add insult to injury, my weight has gone up. Muscle is heavier than fat …..so what is the point in trying to lose weight through exercise, it isn’t going to happen.
Sit-ups do wonders for the gut I’m told…..but if muscles get bigger as they are exercised, it would be a reasonable assumption that exercising stomach muscles would make them bigger….and a bigger gut is the last thing I need.
Swimming is great…aerobic, good cardio vascular workout and low impact on the (already creaking) joints….have you seen the amount of blubber that comes off a whale…..???

So if exercise we must, then the following seems like a good plan,
SITUPS (in bed)
JUMPS (out of bed)
RUN AROUND THE BLOCK (kick it back under the bed when finished)
WEIGHTS (for the bathroom to become vacant) and,
SKIP (any other form of exercises)

And should the desire for any further exercise become overwhelming, sit down and wait for the feeling to go away……….

Thursday, October 06, 2005

How many people or doctors or lawyers or builders etc does it take to screw in a light bulb….None, I only have bayonet fittings….the bulb however, is more often than not, brighter than the yo-yo asking the question.

Actually the real answer is it only takes two to screw in a light bulb.....if the bulb is big enough to hold two people.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

I’m confused….
No not me, but a comment voiced by a colleague. A comment that met with instant derision…. “so whats new” one asked, “no surprise” voiced another, “nonsense, you need a brain to be confused” said another.
But what is confusion??
Sending someone into a rondavel (Round building with a conical roof) and telling them to stand in the corner???
Showing someone a barrow full of spades and telling them to take their pick????
My kids had brick walls in their classroom. If unruly, they were told to face the wall and count bricks…..we tried that at home, we have plastered walls…..go figure.
For some, selecting what to wear could be confusing….how does one select one pair from amongst 50 pairs of shoes???

My all time favourite is a chameleon on a smartie box!